I believe in signs, fate, moments that happen for a reason. I believe in that gut feeling and instinct that can kick in at certain times. I believe things happen in your dreams that may push your soul farther than you know. I believe in all of these things for a reason that I just can’t blog about. For now, I think all you need to know is that I believe in them.
My good friend Nic sat on the other end of the phone today in England as I choked back tears. I’m realizing more and more nothing feels right. I thought once I got a job, started doing things for myself, and moving forward, far enough to put distance between Bill and I, then it would all start feeling right. I thought I would feel some peace within myself. I keep looking for signs that I’m on the right path because I feel like I have veered so far off the yellow brick road.
Unfortunately every sign still points to him. It isn’t just the little stuff because I can live with that. It is the big ass, sparkling, light up HEY DUMBASS HE IS OVER HERE signs. I’m not even looking for them and they are thrown in my face.
After lunch the other day, in a hurry, I left my credit card behind at a restaraunt. When I returned the next day and stood waiting for a manager three ladies walked in who happened to work in the office suite next to my old one. We all spent many a days getting to know one another and sharing a few clients. They came in like vultures wanting to know where I have been and why I left without letting anyone know. Apparently they asked Bill one day where I went and he said he didn’t want to talk about it and walked away. You two were each others right arms at work and you were best friends. How could you possibly leave him and work somewhere else. He was always watching out for you. Just from that one comment I wanted to run out the door and leave my card behind. Right there in front of the whole restaraunt I about broke my last stick. How did I leave him? Why can’t you people leave me alone. I told them I didn’t leave him. He left me. Then I watched their faces scrunch up and their mouths began to hang open as they quickly put it together in their minds yet couldn’t quite figure out the best response. The only answer one of them could muster up was He was never the same after you left the company. That is why we figured he left the company too. Obviously there is much more to the story.
Yea, no shit.
As I rehashed every huge glaring sign, not just the 3 women, to Nic today she gave me a few things. Life has never been easy for you. You have had to deal with more than one person should and you tend to get the shit end of the deal. I think you are now realizing this. The only time I have seen peace in you was when you were with Bill and you do deserve that happiness. Keep working at that and perhaps the signs just mean he is there. Till then work on the rest of it.
Perhaps I just need to bend a little more. Find more signs and follow them. Adjust. This job isn’t working- I find a new one. I keep writing. I keep taking pictures. I keep doing those things that do feel right because those are the things I most certainly can not give up on. I need to stick with my gut on this not make shit up as I go. It’s ok to say I don’t get it because everyday my heart changes. I need to continue to do what feels right to me. I can’t dwell on the Bill signs. If they are meant to continue to get bigger then fine….maybe I’ll understand what the hell they mean a little better. Because sometimes it just all gets exhausting and we just need it spelled out for us.
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