I haven’t even journalled much in the past few months. My voice has been taken, it seems, in a different form than it was before. But I realized a loop last night. I’ll go ahead and leap right through it. )
I woke up this morning in quite a bit of a funk. I’ve been in one for a few weeks now, but it takes a different form every day now. Trying to work through some things that I will spill out here. Maybe on this post, maybe next…not sure where my words will take me. I managed to slither out of bed at 9:30…I feel awful about this. Like I’m a bad mom for sleeping in. I don’t have a job, though, and it seems to be our schedule these days. I shouldn’t feel bad. Its not like I’m missing anything, really. Don’t have any appointments or anything. She sleeps in with me. Not sure why I get the guilties about this, but soon enough, those will be gone and replaced with the uglies of having to get up early to go to work. Nothing in the works yet, on that, although I do have an interview on Monday. We’ll see where that goes. At any rate, mornings are not my favorite time. I’m just not a morning girl. In Maui or Kauai, I am. Here, I am not. Can’t make myself like ‘em. I’ve tried for years.
But anyways, the funk…I’m at an impasse. I’ve loved a man for over 5 years now and we battled the back and forth for so long. My heart was always in it, his was not. I couldn’t let go and it was easy for him to. Earlier this year, I finally let it all go. Had finally reached the end of my rope. And as soon as I did, his heart turned. We started officially dating in April, for about three months until I let go in July. I didn’t trust it. Didn’t trust that the rug was not going to be pulled out again. I convinced myself of all the reasons it wouldn’t work and I just couldn’t get myself engaged into the process. I was barely there. So I let go. The yucky part of it was that we didn’t talk. About much of anything. Both of us needed to talk, but neither of us could, for various reasons.
In mid July, my health went south for a couple of months, that I’ve mentioned on earlier posts. My body kinda took a beating and while I was in the hospital, he was there for me. Without agenda or time lines. He was just there, for as long as I needed. He snuggled with me and held me. Walked me to and from surgery. Loved on me like I need to be loved. It felt really good. It felt right. So in a moment of unmedicated clarity, we talked and decided to make a go of it again. This time with the realization that we need to communicate with one another even if it is difficult. We need to put everything out there, no matter what it was. And we were both going to engage. For three months it has been really good. Both of us completely on board and while not perfect, because two single parents dating is not a cake walk by any stretch…there are plenty of challenges to go around particularly where kids are concerned, but all was well. It felt really good. Really right.
Then there was a missions emphasis at church for a couple of weeks and my spirit spins out anytime there is a focus brought to missions. As my previous post mentions, I have had the seed planted in my heart to go on missions. I’m not sure when or how or where, but its there and it can’t be denied. My mind started to spin about how my current life would fit into the scenario. Is his heart set on missions, as well? From conversations we’ve had a LONG time ago, I knew that it is not. But we talked briefly about it. I let him know that my mind is spinning and I’m trying to find some resolution to it and I’m not sure where it will lead, but that it is very heavy on my mind. I do not want to MAKE him do something he does not have in his heart to do and I don’t want to put ultimatums out there. Nothing good comes from manipulation. Whatever happens we have decided will be a mutual decision. But I’m having to face the reality that while our hearts are finally in alignment, that perhaps our purpose is not. Its very difficult to contemplate on so many levels. Most of the men in my former life, there were obvious, tangible reasons to part. This…this is different. Can love conquer all? If his heart is intended for another purpose we may eventually find each other again, but its that giant gaping chasm of the unknown in the middle, and without any absolute guarantee that we will end up in the same place…that has me a bit spun out. How can I disconnect my heart from this man after so long? And for a reason that is so difficult to understand ourselves, letalone trying to explain it to others? Living and walking a life of faith is full of unknowns. But its not a place that I can deny or return back to where I came from. If I choose to stay, then I have the questions and gaping hole that my calling to missions should be. If I go, then there’s a gaping hole in my heart where I feel like he should be.
Right now we are standing on the fence. We’ve faced the reality that there just doesn’t seem to be any real answers. There’s not any place to meet in the middle. He doesn’t have the desires in his heart that I do. He feels that it is honorable and valuable and noble and a wonderful thing for me. But he’s not there right now. We could choose to hang on for an undetermined amount of time until I am sent (because I feel long term missions is/will ultimately be the outcome), but we’ll still have to leave one another. Is it better to do it now or hang on and let go later? When I write it all down it makes sense and it feels okay, but then I see him and face him and my heart wraps its arms around him and I don’t want to let him go.
So that’s where I am today. In a funk. Caught in a tug of war with my heart. My heart yearns for missions and a man. And there’s no question which one will win right now. It’s just getting to that place. There will be no easy way to do it. One day I’ll just have to decide…when the agony of it is greater than the desire to hold on. And that really hurts. A lot.
I did go to the gym today to try to work out some of my anxieties. It helped a little. More than anything I need the gym to help rid myself of the junk I’ve been piling into my face because I’m an emotional eater. The raw venture I started lost me about ten pounds and I was feeling great. And then this hit and well…all efforts kinda went south. I’m hoping to jump back up on that wagon soon.
When I got home I had some lunch with the babe and ate some of her snacks, put her down for a nap, and then promptly had a suger crash induced nap of my own. Sleep in the middle of the day is good for funky junk. Kinda nice to just eliminate a few hours of thinking.
Then had dinner (sushi) with a friend and then came home to Bible Study. We have a really great group of people in my Bible Study group and I so enjoy it. Look forward to it. Its such a real and raw group of people. Safe. Wonderful. Love it.
Right before Bible Study, I opened my email to find an acceptance letter from AGCI (All God’s Children International), that I have been accepted to participate in a trip to Ethiopia on a ten day missions trip with them in February. I’m suddenly very excited and nervous at the same time. Missions is in my heart, but its that first leap of faith that is a little bit nerve wracking. I’ve had my Passport since 2004 and it has no stamps in it. This will be my very first trip to another country (outside of the Navy or across the Mexican border) and there are significant risks involved. I don’t just have myself to consider anymore. My daughter is a huge factor. I have a lot of paperwork I have to fill out and get filed before I leave just in case anything happens while I’m away. Looking at this squarely does not feel very comfortable. I’m so crazy vulnerable with her in my life. But, I know that I will feel better once I know all that paperwork is filled out and filed and taken care of.
I’m looking forward to the distraction this will bring, but I think it solidifies the heart calling that I have that is contrary to the direction of another. While this is only a short term mission trip, it could ultimately and eventually lead to other opportunities and eventually perhaps a long term assignment. I’m not sure. God knows. And I’ll be following His lead.
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