it’s national suicide survivors day, or something with words like that.
i have to confess, i have never gotten far enough to actually attempt suicide. it makes me feel like a failure, as though i’m not serious & rather than having real pain & problems, i’m just whiny. i do often want to die, but i also know it isn’t normal to feel that way & the bad moods like the good moods will pass. of course after they pass someone always comes around to piss me off & make me wish i had a gun so i could shoot myself in front of them. that’ll teach ‘em. but i digress. (that’s the kind of trick you only get to use once you know.)
i started “practice cutting” this year, cutting at my wrists working on being able to cut deep enough to bleed out. i managed to draw a little blood once, but most of the time i just broke some skin. i’ve cut myself worse by accident plenty of times. i don’t know why it is so hard. i know it sounds silly & awful, but i feel like ppl don’t take what i go through serious because i have never attempted suicide. when you go see someone it is always one of the first things they ask. so when you say no, they want to know why & you’ve been categorized.
i really don’t know what i want. i just know that i over think everything & constantly change my mind. i’ve always been more of a planner than a doer. i spend a great deal of time googling suicide methods, reading about suicide, thinking about how i would do it, & learning from ppl who have tried & failed/been stopped. when i do try it, i am firmly committed to doing it right the first time, which means no chance to change my mind. i don’t want it to come off as a half assed attempt & cry for attention. i don’t want to live with permanent damage, like brain damage if i drink/take something (that would be the worst) or nerve damage from cutting myself.
it’s also hard when your mood/outlook changes every 15mins. but i don’t know. i can’t shake the idea that i’m a failure because i don’t just do it. it’s why i keep thinking i need to set a date & just go for it. i have had a tentative time line in mind for if somethings don’t change & start coming together i’m just going to do it. i want to get through the holidays because i don’t want to make them a sad time for ppl who will miss me. & i know some ppl will.
i know better than to think nobody loves me & my life is so bad. i have & have had a lot of less than happy things in my life, but who hasn’t? i have a lot of ppl in my life who love & care about me. but i think knowing all that stuff makes it worse. it does make it harder to go through with it & just feel like a whiny idiot. but it also makes the way i feel worse because i know there is no real reason for me to feel this way. which makes the problem tougher. especially since it is harder for ppl to understand the way i feel. because while i have had bad things happen in my life, there is no great, widely understandable tragedy to point to for why i feel this way. i think it will be better when i get away from here too.
e. is basically an emotional void. except for when he whines about the fact that he has no friends. i tell him he has me, but that’s not really true any more. i’m just here till i can get out. dear god i need a job>_< even hardee’s won’t hire me. that really sucks. this place sucks for me & i need to move on. i’m looking elsewhere & i’m feeling hopeful. a friend of mine works in my field & where she is at is always hiring. of course that’s because it kinda sucks, but she recently got a transfer & is liking it better. but it will be something to get me away from here. he doesn’t get the way i feel & within a year of my mother’s death was already bored with me being sad about it. she was dead & it was time to get over it. gee, wonder why he doesn’t have any friends. he doesn’t like anyone/anything he can’t understand and control.
there’s j, but honestly he is more of a paid lapdog. he is paid to cook and clean and that’s all he does, & he only does what he is told to do. it’s kind of weird. if he is told to do the dishes, he does the dishes. he doesn’t clean out the sink or wipe down the counters. when he cooks, he doesn’t clean the stove or counters behind himself. he seems to do just what he is told & no more. he plays whatever game e. is into at the moment & watches whatever e. wants to watch on tv & goes & does whatever e. wants to do. outside of choosing what to cook, i haven’t known him to do much of this own thing. but he was like that with this ex. it always annoyed me & is why i never liked him. i can’t respect ppl like that, the mindless.
i’ve considered moving home, but at this point i’d end up living in the apts where my mother died & i don’t want to do that. none of my family has room for me. plus, it’s a factory town & even those have mostly closed down. but you never know. i would like to. but i’d have to get a job out of town, & for me it just makes sense if i’m going to get a job in a town, i’m going to move to that town. i don’t know. maybe i’m weird. i don’t really want to live there, but i would like to be closer to my family.
wow, i’ve written over a thousand words. if only i could put that toward my word count:~)
i’ll try to write about wednesday tomorrow. i didn’t even intend to write this, but was reading k.’s post & just wanted to say why i feel like a failure today & it just took off from there. now i’m going to go try & write a sassy conversation between two cats.
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