Are you there God? It’s me….Pat.
Dear God, I praise your heavenly name on high! First off, I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I’m angry and frustrated at this evil, despicable, sinful, horrible, horrible world. I’m just wondering why you allow people to be so hateful and judgmental? Why can’t they see that I am the chosen one, that I have a place reserved on the right side of Jesus himself upon the holy throne? Why do you allow people to mock me so? You know that when they are mocking me, they are mocking you. So I humbly ask you not to tarry or dither but to smite them and strike them down. Please?
I’m not angry with you lord, I just can’t yet see the bigger picture. Why do you bestow me with so much wisdom, rationality and love, and then compel me with your guiding light to speak my mind about what you have shown me, only to have people become incensed and hurtful when they hear the One Truth? Why do you allow them to disrespect me (you) your humble, chosen, holy servant? Why do you not allow the masses to see the truth as I present it to them about Haiti….that it was their own fault, that it was good for them in the long run? Why do the people not believe the truth that the Haitians made a deal with Satan to overcome the French occupation, and that the story is NOT some urban legend akin to pop rocks and Coke? Damn that Jon Stewart, damn him to the fiery pit of hell!
I’m not angry with you lord, but when I asked that seats open up on the Supreme Court, we both know darn well what I meant. All it would have taken is a heart attack here, an aneurism there, and maybe an automobile accident or two. You could have even gotten some of those brown followers of the false prophet to prove to the world that I was (through you) a true visionary by blowing some stuff up. Some stuff being liberal Supreme Court justices.
When I told my people (your people) that a hurricane, tornado, bomb (why can’t they just do what I tell them to DO?), or meteor was going to destroy Orlando because of the homosexuals and their Satanic agenda…..nothing happened. Why did you tell me that and then not do it? A meteor would have been just a splendid show of your awesome power.
On the same tack, why has nothing happened yet to Dover Delaware? You promised! We need to teach the sodomites and those who would harbor their wicked ways a lesson that they’ll never forget!
I’m not angry with you Lord, I’m really not, but when I rationally suggested that we (America) just ‘take out’ Hugo Chavez, why did that not happen? Dick Cheney was the most powerful man in the country at the time for Pete’s sake. You could’ve just made him listen, but nooooooo, nobody listens to meeee. Which means that nobody is listening to you. Please make them all pay dearly, oh Lord! Please?
That's not to you, Lord. I'm not angry with you.
Why couldn’t you just allow a small nuke to be dropped on Foggy Bottom, like I asked? Or destroyed the state department in some other Godly way?
Why, when it was clearly ‘your will,’ did you allow me to fail in even getting the nomination of my (our) republican party in the 1988 election. You let that brain dead dolt Bush win, and made me look like a gosh darned fool yet again. I guess I’m just a fool for you Lord. But I’m not in any way angry with you.
I praise your holy name for blessing me with a submissive wife and four children. But unfortunately, the only one interested in following in my hallowed footsteps (of serving you) seems to be Gordon. I don’t know if the boy’s dim or just dull, but frankly, I wouldn’t trust him to manage a 7/11 much less a multi-billion dollar God-machine. Also, don’t you think he may be a bit effeminate? Lord, if he’s hiding something, I pray that you tell me now so I can ‘take him out’ with my own two hands. If I find out after I’m beside you in heaven, I swear to you that I’ll move mountains and raise seas to destroy the boy. And I don’t care how many I take with him!
You better tell me if he's a homosexual! Tell me!
Sorry Lord, I’m not angry with you, I just got a little rambunctious there for a minute. I’m also just a little peeved that my protein shake didn’t take off like we thought it would. I’m hurt that my cast and crew of the 700 club snicker behind my very back and I pray that you please allow some great tragedy to befall every one of them…please? I’m frustrated that my donations have gone way down over the past few years (please punish the greedy) that I was allowed to make some bad investments, and that even Fox News won’t take me seriously anymore. FOX NEWS! They even interview that crazy Birther lady! But not me!
I should be the crazy interviewee!
Aghghhhh Aaahhgghhgga. SHrrrrruuuaaghhhhaagghhhhh.
Is this some kind of Job situation Lord? Are you testing my faith? I’ll gladly pay you cash to make it stop. I still have all my faith, trust and love in only you Lord so please; I beg that you just STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not angry with you lord, I never could be. It’s just that nobody wants to look like a demented, bigoted, racist, sexist, delusional hypocrite year after year, decade after decade. This humiliation has been spread across two centuries. And I, who have been your ever humble, loyal and favorite servant don’t feel that I deserve this abuse.
So now I pray dear Lord that you faithfully bring justice upon this evil, sodomizing, feminist, idolatrizing world and destroy it completely. If you’re not ready for that yet, maybe you could just take out a continent (Asia or Europe would be great) or even just a region (Middle East but sparing Israel….please?) and finally prove how much you love me Lord!
ps: I’m seriously not angry with you.
pps: Could you also get all these PC Nazis off my back?
ppps: It’s not too late to drop a meteor on Disney. If you really want to make an old man happy?…..??……Please???
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