Friends have told me to write. And write I cannot. I have started 10 different posts, unable to articulate, concentrate, or make sense of the world. I’ve even made jokes that love causes you to become stupid and that my writer’s block was due to such an impediment. I meant for the first post of the new year to explain my new title and theme, but couldn’t find the time or motivation to make it happen. And then, lying in bed this afternoon, I became attuned to all the sounds around me and became still. My wind chimes blowing in the wind, reminding me of simple pleasures; the faint sounds of the youth drumline blocks away at the African-American church, reminding me of home; and the irritating although intermittent sounds of the yuppie neighbor’s saw. As I soaked all of this in, a fire began to rise inside me, a need to pour my soul and all of its contents on paper. The need to purge the toxic thoughts rose to a crescendo, and here I am-finally writing for the first time in months.
I was told an African proverb earlier this week about lions. When lions are hungry the work as a pride to attack their prey. One lion will let out a mighty roar, while the other are waiting in the opposite direction to receive and attack the prey. Pretty smart, eh? So elders tell children when they hear the roar of a lion, not to be scared and run away, but to run towards their fear, towards the roar for safety. I want to believe I am running towards the roar, facing my fears, and being bold and courageous in my everyday life. But I know; often times I am not.
I had a special coworker pass away this week. There is no eloquent description I can share that would do this woman and her life any justice, but I can’t help but smile when I picture her in my mind’s eye and the words I think of are “ray of sunshine”. She was too young to leave this world, although she had already made an indelible mark on the world. And I am left thinking, what mark have I left? I am angry with myself for not living the life I dream of, and always thinking there will be more time to make this or that (grad school, babies, finding a committed loving equal partner, travel, a job that taps all of my talents, challenges me, and works towards social justice-the list could go on and on) happen. And why are many of these dreams back burnered or ignored? There is always an excuse, but the root of every answer connects in some way back to fear. Fear of failing, fear of change, fear of judgement, fear of loneliness, fear of putting myself and my emotions out there. I’m not feeling very courageous and bold today.
I’m going to cut myself a little slack, just for today. I’ve been sick, I haven’t smoked in days, I haven’t had my normal dose of caffeine, I’m dieting, and overwhelmed at work. No need to add to this slow cooking mess feelings of self-hatred that will only serve to make me self implode, instead of making forward motion. The longest journey begins with a single step, and that is where I will start for today…
I had planned to make this great list about 33 things I’m going to do before I turn 33. Then it occurred to me, that one of my biggest faults is not staying present in the moment. A list is easy for a goal-achieving gal like me, so neat and simple to check each box off as it is completed. Instead, I think I will live my list. As things happen that inspire and wake my soul, I will note those moments and add them to the list. This list is in honor of Linda’s graceful spirit and all that shared with me and never knew. So far in 2010, here is what I have to add:
- Have an impulsive meal with a friend that includes decadent food and luxurious champagne in the middle of the week for no special reason.
- Go, even when you are tired or think you don’t want to. Sometimes you can’t anticipate how important that moment will be or what doors it will open.
- Break your own rules. And sometimes in the process, it is fun to look googly eyed at a movie star and not be shameful of it.
Thanks to Jon, Susan, and Maureen for being a part of making this living list a reality. Let this be the year that I face my roars…
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