I am an expert at bad planning or piss poor luck. Either way, no California, no computer, no
So being uber-responsible didn’t work but I feel even more frustrated with the “fuck it attitude” so I guess I go back to doing things the right way…or at least the way I know it’s supposed to be done….
My mini-vacay aka hours were cut so I’ve been getting a lot of days off: I began sorting some papers that were just lying around my room. Gotta finish that still. I applied for a number of job things. A handful of which I was probably qualified for. Of the ones I was qualified for, maybe one or two in my field. But I got some job stuff done and that’s all that counts. That’s more than what has been getting done the rest of this month.
Oh Christ, my neck hurts.
Anywho….
As we get closer to V-Day, I get closer to missing not only the physical aspect (really really miss) of being in a relationship but also the parts I don’t think I ever really experienced. The random hugs and kisses in public and private. The gentle subconscious caresses when discussing random subjects. I’ve always been jealous of those couples I see doing those things but I don’t think I’ve ever done them. I think I’ve had one partner that did it but at the time I just saw it as clingy. Now I’d give anything to be the type of woman who doesn’t.
The one specific example I can remember is I was shopping with someone I had just started dating. He had gone one way to get something and I had gone another. He came up behind me and kissed my neck and the first thing that ran through my head was “I could do this forever.” Uh…whaaaa? Yeah exactly. My immediate next thought was “what the hell?” lol We had only been dating a couple months but at the same time, it was my first relationship so I assume that’s where that came from. That’s really the only example I can think of where I’ve experienced or performed those little random acts of intimacy. So maybe I’m idealizing myself. Tricking myself into thinking I can be that person. It hasn’t happened yet so why would I think it would in the future? But I want it to so much. Those little acts of connection I may want even more than sex. Afterall sex I can get. A genuine connection? A little harder. Especially given the….whatever it is…I’m still currently wrapped up in.
I was reading something today where a teacher was talking about how much influence a parents’ relationship had on children growing up and I have to kind of think that not seeing my parents openly expressing their love (like no kisses, no hugs, barely a “hello”) definitely influenced my definition of intimacy and love. Since I can’t change anything else about myself, I assume I won’t be able to change that so dysfunctionally in love I shall forever be right? Could be worse. I’ll just get a BOB and like 10 cats. Spinsterdom here I come.
Jesus Christo, my neck hurts!
You know what, I just need to stick to the plan on working on the things I moved here for and not worrying about the rest but I am the Queen of Worry. That’s what makes it so funny that I have a disease that flares up with stress. Vicious cycle it is. I stress, it flares up, I stress about it flaring up, it flares up more. I guess when I get insured, I’ll go see a doctor.
*sigh*
When I do this, when I do that, when I do whatever……always a “when”…..
No job stuff today…….still don’t have my car back ($500 worth of repairs insuring I’ll never get the things I want), currently sleepy so probably not finishing my room…..so all & all a quite unproductive day considering I was up at like 7 this morning.
And now my mom is home and probably wants to get on her game soon…..
I need/want a computer……or the skills to speed up my brother’s old one….but I’d prefer my own……
I did see an ad on Craigslist (CL) from someone seeking a younger lady to “support”….kinda whorey but aren’t we all whores for some reason or another…..nah I have to remain morally superior to other people’s…..openness to the….resourcefulness of CL. With the advent of CL, is adultfriendfinder.com even necessary?
Random word associations stress me out. I look forward to the day when Craigslist, MILF, cybering, Boston and whatever else I come in contact with that makes me stress were no longer words or topics that do so. I assume that won’t happen for a while given current circumstances.
I am grateful that my aunt was an interior designer and therefore do not lose my interest in it because Michele is one. I do not know what I would do if I could no longer be interested in interior design. HGTV and Food Network are my go-to channels. I know it would be weird to give up an interest because of who shares it but had my aunt not been in the field, I’m sure that’s what would have happened. And nerts to that, cuz I want a fabulous place.
What else has been bouncing around in my head?
The usual doubts, confusion, worries, insecurities, you know. Just another day.
Hopefully my car repairs won’t up my Firestone credit card minimum payment too much cuz lord knows I can’t afford it.
Thank god I live with my parents. It’s so nice having that safety net even though I feel like a bum sometimes. I really wanted to be able to help financially when I initially planned to move in with them. But like most of my plans, that isn’t exactly working out so well.
Anywho, I’m sure my mom wants to get on her cpu so I’m gonna wrap this up, add some tags, and maybe play a little Wii.
Bonne nuit.
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